Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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