When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
