AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
