I accidentally burped into my bong.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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