You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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