At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
