I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
