wanna go halves on a baby?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
