I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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