New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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