i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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