Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
