There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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