sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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