she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
