just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
