This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
