Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
