hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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