I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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