So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You have to summon your inner elephant
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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