Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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