Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
