The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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