Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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