I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
