we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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