he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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