If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
