Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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