I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
