Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
