She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
