I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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