i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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