did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
