My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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