I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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