ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
