cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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