Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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