Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
True strength comes from lack of pants
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
