eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
