I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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