how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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