I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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