Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
