yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
