so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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