White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
