If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
