We're facebook friends in real life
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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