We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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