Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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