I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize