My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
