I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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