Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
So squirting runs in the family.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
