You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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