I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
